Misunderstanding quiet people

Everyone always complains about that one obnoxiously loud person where they are...how they're so rude to talk so loud and all. But do they know that being the opposite of loud and obnoxious is even worse? This is how I feel being the opposite. I am a soft spoken woman. I always have been, ever since I started talking. I don't really notice it nor do I care, because the people who WANT to hear me and who want to hear me do. But the people who I served as a cashier, a sandwich artist at subway, and people I worked with in all places hated it. Some would be rude to me, and others would go as far as to say I'm fired if I don't stop being so quiet, or I NEED to speak up because who knows what I'm saying? Ugh. It really gets to me sometimes. I physically can't "speak up", and find it extremely offensive when people tell me I HAVE to. I'm just a soft spoken person. Who knows, maybe its a medical thing...maybe because I had the cord wrapped around my neck at birth I've got something up with my vocal cords that never was noticed. Who knows what it is? I know for a fact it's not me being "shy". No way in heck could it be that...because I LOVE people and I love talking to tons of people! I will put myself right out there, I will sing in front of huge crowds and speak in front of them...so no, I am not shy. People always tell me they "gotta get me to be loud/speak up/yell/a megaphone/come out of my shell". It's quite annoying when I just can't. They don't understand that it's impossible for me! And I wish they did. I wish everyone who criticized me knew how it felt to be like me. I wish the people who refused to go through my lines regularly when I was a cashier just because I wouldn't yell at them would feel how I feel, just once. This is a quiet cry for an understanding, something I just wish I could get people to do for me. It will never happen but one can hope, right?

Just something in my head

What is it like when you're around? I don't know...I can't hear a sound. You tiptoe near me, you act like you can't see me, how can I live if you're not here with me? I die every day just to be with you, because in the afterlife our love must be true. Then I wake up and see I'm dreaming...and here we go again. Don't pretend I'm not there, as you walk on by going about your business. Don't lie and say you did if you didn't. I may get distracted easily but truth is, I wouldn't if you noticed me.
I gave up a thousand years worth of love just because you thought I was worth a thousand more. Don't try to come back...because I have closed that door.

Older than I seem...

I am 22 going on 30. Some people get to live out their college partying years, and be stupid and do things they might regret. I, however, do not get to do that. But do I care? Not a chance. Yeah, sometimes I want to be normal, with a normal school career and a normal major at a normal college...but that will never happen, nor was it destined to. I was put on this earth for a reason. I didn't realize it until this year though.

I make people smile...it's my thing. I don't like to see displeasure or unhappiness, nor do I care much for sadness. I am very empathetic, so it goes without saying that every time someone feels like that, I feel the same. This is part of why I am here today.

I am a mom. I'm a young mom, too. I think this has made me grow up even more so than I already was. I was married once too. I went through more pain during the hard times of that marriage than I should have had to, ever. But my son brings me so much joy, it's impossible to top it. I love him so much, even if I didn't plan on having him. He wasn't my mistake...he was my pleasant surprise!

I have had to grow up an awful lot these past few years...being out on my own, leaving college and having no home for a few weeks, and having to move all over the country to find where I needed to settle down. I'm still in that process, but like I said...I'm 22 going on 30, and no one ever said I had to finish my life now.

My favorite places in the past

Ahh one of my favorite places as a teenager...I can feel myself there now. The smell of hot pretzels being baked and American Eagle right down the walkway. The sound of people telling each other what they bought the kids for Christmas or gossiping about the latest school scandal. The dim, natural light that would flow in, even when it snowed. That was the university mall in Burlington, Vermont for you.
Another one of my favorite places was also a mall...it was outside and inside, half and half. I always loved the sounds of the street performers, and smelling Starbucks from a mile away. I loved walking by Yankee candle and smelling the mix of all the candles put together, like the inside of a greenhouse yet more fragrant. There were tobacco shops with the faint, rich smell of cigars, and salons smelling of new hairdo's and hope. Ben and Jerry's had a scoop shop there, and I'm sure you can just smell the combination of all the best ice creams in the world. I know I can. Inside, when you would pass Abercrombie and then Hollister and American Eagle, it smelled of fragrant new clothes and preppy chicks, with their highlighted perfect silky hair and their turned up noses. Then there was Bath and Body Works and Victoria's Secret, smelling of fresh soap and love. The video game stores always smelled like paper and geeks, and when you would walk by the small food court, it would smell like pizza.
My favorite place on earth though as a kid, as a teen, and as an adult now is still the woods in the back of the house I lived in the longest. The trees after rain smelled more enchanting than anything, and running up the hill into the second clearing while the dog chased me was so exhilarating. It didn't matter what season it was, every time I went there it was the quietest place on earth. It was so beautiful, like fairies had put an enchantment on it and you would get sucked in forever if you didn't realize it.
That's my nostalgia of the day...
Hope you all enjoyed it :)

Thank you, captain obvious!

So today I had a thought run through my head that made me giggle. I hate how the only option to click or press most times when there's an error on your iPod or computer is just "OK". Like, ok...I give up. I surrender, oh mighty iPod/computer thingy. You are the god of submission.
I wish they would put up something along the lines of "I don't think so sister" or "hello?? Don't you see I'm doing an essay here? Don't you dare shut off you piece of junk!!" or for the more obvious errors when you either know it's going to happen or it's an error that just looks you in the face and says duh..."THANK YOU, CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!!"
I wish that instead of cancel, it would say "stfu" or "please leave me the hell alone" when you had something come up that was about to destroy or shut down your computer. What did they expect when they put those words there for clicking? Did they expect us to just accept the inevitable? Or are they laughing to themselves thinking how hilarious it would be to watch how loud people yell at their computers when things go wrong, or what colorful words they can come up with?
Sometimes I think Bill Gates must be a boring guy, since the selection of ...well, selections, is very slim error wise.
I would have done a much better job making phrases to choose from. ;)
That is my thought for today...and now its sleepy time!

If I had known...

If I had known that I would trade dress shoes for sneakers, long walks for half hour trip preparations, clean, neat shirts for dirty shirts with spit up on them, I would have still jumped into parenthood with my eyes wide open and my arms ready to hold my son. If I had known that evenings would be replaced with bath time, story time, comfy pjs and nursing him to sleep or giving him his night night bottle, I wouldn't have thought twice. If I had even guessed parenthood would be like this...I would still be here, with him on my lap, wiggling in his sleep like a little worm. I would still look in the mirror every day at my changed body, my messy, long hair, and my tired eyes and think yes, I am beautiful, because I gave birth to a little boy who means the world to me and I am strong for carrying him for almost 10 months.
My (very few) stretch marks are my battle scars, my boobs are my feeding machines instead of something to attract the guys, although I never used them to that advantage anyways. My son's pain is my own...when he is sick, I cry. When he screams out of frustration or pain, I feel his little hands with their titan grip clenching my heart and tearing it to shreds. And when I see his smile, I cry in happiness, because his joy is mine, too. His laugh is what makes me proud I went through all that pain just to have him, it's my reward for a long labor and a long pregnancy, full of ups and downs and puke (eww).
The love a parent feels for their child is indescribable until they get there...until their baby is set upon their chest or into their arms for the very first time.
I would like to believe these moments, when we feel such love in our hearts, are reserved for the days when we just don't know if we will be able to make it through another day.
I thank fate every day for bringing me to my son, my destiny. It is the one reason I know I'm still here...to be his mommy. <3

Florida

I miss it again today...
It's not my original home state, but now I'm starting to realize it's my home. I'm destined to be there. Today here in my state it's 85...makes me miss those days.
I used to go barefoot outside in just a sundress and a bikini. It was one of those places that you can ride with the top down, flip flops on, music up and barefoot on the beach under an umbrella year long. You can go to the ocean every day if you feel like it...it's just so amazing, that freedom.
If I could go there now I would. But I have no way to...nor can I bring Jayce this early. He's too little to go on an airplane for another couple weeks. And even so...it's not like I can even afford it anyways.
I can't wait to bring him to the ocean for the first time. I want him to play in it, to see it's vastness and it's beauty for all it is. I want him to watch when boats go by for the dolphins following after, and to look off the pier at Jetty Park and see the sea turtles swimming by. If he's anything like me, he'll be a water baby. I love the water...I could swim all day every day.
I can't wait to bring him there and show him to all our friends. Everyone was so excited when I got pregnant, and I know there are a few people I wish I could talk to and show pictures to that would love to meet him. :)
We are going out to play in a little while...I can't wait till we open the pool this coming week. Jayce is gonna love it! :)