Getting help for Jayce.

Looking back, I've always known something was a little off kilter. It's not like I thought to myself, "my son is just really different so I need to do this or that to get him diagnosed with something". No. More along the lines of OMG why is this happening? Why is he screaming his head off for up to an hour multiple times a day over what seems like nothing? Why does he have such a hard time transitioning, or eating any sort of food, or touching certain things? Why won't he look at me when I say his name? Why is this happening to my baby?

I was concerned for months, but I never thought to talk to anyone because I thought the doctor wouldn't take me seriously...that I would be laughed out of her office. I thought this was just him having high needs. I never once thought it would lead us on the path to an evaluation of his behaviors. But when he started hurting himself on purpose, it was time to go in. He still does all the time...he will smash his poor little head into the ground after throwing his head back and kicking his feet, trying to jump out of my arms. He will fall from a standing position like a tree and hit his head hard, then roll over on his front and do it again. He squeezes his eyes shut and drowns out the world around us. He loses all control.

Some people think I sound crazy or that I'm just making it up, or that his behaviors sound normal...but according to his doctor and counselor, they aren't. And my mommy gut feeling says they aren't either. So don't be that guy...the worst thing you can do to a person who is trying to get their child evaluated is tell them their kid seems normal. It makes us feel like we are crazy, that it's all in our heads. And trust me, that's not a good feeling.

A diagnosis is not reached because people want to "fix" their kids. It's reached and evaluated and studied because we love our kids SO much that we want them to have the absolute best life possible no matter what, so we find out what is causing their suffering and we ease their pain through therapies or other methods. It's not a pissing match when it comes down to the little ones we love the most. It's about the fact that there is something making the sweet little child who we love more than anything hurt inside...enough so that we, the big parents, have to step in and advocate for them. It hurts my heart every time I hold my sweet boy on my lap as he screams and thrashes and tries to hurt himself. A diagnosis would help me navigate a plan of action for him and make him feel happier and adjust better later on.

I see his perfect, tiny face...I look at those long, dark lashes framing his beautiful multicolored eyes, I see his little button nose, his sweet pursed lips, his tiny chin and chubby cheeks...and I see a little boy who deserves the best life I can give him. I don't see a little boy with a problem, he has the entire world to explore and I'm going to make sure he CAN explore it.

Poop. It happens to the best of us.

For all my fellow parents out there...this one's for you.

Poop. It's not just a word. It's not just a thing we all do. It's when the silence is cut with a butter knife; jagged, with all the edges poking out. It's the first thing that happens to your child before you can even get your coffee in the morning, and the last thing you expect them to do before you leave the house or after strapping them into their enigma of a carseat.

It's a contest of bravery. How much have you encountered at once? No blow outs, ever? Psh. It's the land you walk into armed with wipes and febreze. It's what's on your leg after you're done nursing and you realize that nice warm spot is actually not so nice after all. And much more wet than warm. *shudder*

It's what you get for going shopping without a spare outfit, it's why that baby over there is going home in just her diaper, and it's able to make us have a steel stomach.

We may not be real life heroes...but to each other, the one with the best poop story is victorious. Poop makes us winners...and losers. It brings us together and tears outfits apart. And most of all, it's the best part of our day after a long absence. ;)

For my son.

I love you. I love your chubby cheeks, and your fair, slightly curly hair. I love your pouty lips that stretch into the cutest 5-toothed smile I've ever laid eyes on. I love your little hands, and your little feet. I love your chubby legs and your little belly.

I love the way you crawl as fast as the speed of light, and your smile as you pitter-patter on your little feet while you walk to me. You're so very proud of yourself, and I am too. I love the silly things you say, and that your favorite words are no and kitty. You made my heart melt when you tried to say I love you today, and then kissed me with a big open mouth on the cheek. I love you when you curl up to fit perfectly in the nook of my arm, and you place your little hand peacefully over my heart while you dream. It takes my breath away that you are such a beautiful child.

I sacrificed my sleep, my time, my everything for you. But I would never trade it for a thing, except maybe to live it all over again. I would cuddle you even more, plant kisses on you until you wiped them all off and pushed me away, and chase you around the house on my hands and knees to wrangle you down for a diaper change. I'd do it ALL again, and then some. Don't forget, Jayce, you are my world. I love you. I always have, always will.

Dear Jayce

Dear Jayce,
Mommy loves you so much. From the day I found out about you, I loved you. You're my most special little man. You know, once upon a time, mommy wasn't this happy. But you helped me become the woman I am. Someday, I'll help you become the man you're going to be. And someday, you're going to have a baby who will teach you what life is all about. I promise you this my dear boy...
I promise to always love you and support you. I have your back even when you will make mistakes. I know you will, everyone does. But I will not love you less...in fact, I'll love you more.
I will protect you from harm. No one will get to you, because they will have to go through me (and daddy) first. We will never let a soul touch you that shouldn't. We will never allow people to bully you more than the first time. And we will both equip you with knowledge on how to deal with bullies, as well as listen if you have to deal with them.
I promise to listen to you if you are in need of my help. I promise that if you want to do things that I may not want you to, that I will still let you as long as they are not illegal or dangerous. I will help you develop safe habits and teach you about safe (consensual) sex. I will show you that forcing someone to have sex is wrong and that rape is extremely serious and should never be joked about or taken lightly.
Each night I promise to cuddle up close to you until you don't want me to anymore, whispering my promises to you and telling you over and over while you sleep the many ways in which I love and adore you.
You are my angel, my world. I promise.

Misunderstanding quiet people

Everyone always complains about that one obnoxiously loud person where they are...how they're so rude to talk so loud and all. But do they know that being the opposite of loud and obnoxious is even worse? This is how I feel being the opposite. I am a soft spoken woman. I always have been, ever since I started talking. I don't really notice it nor do I care, because the people who WANT to hear me and who want to hear me do. But the people who I served as a cashier, a sandwich artist at subway, and people I worked with in all places hated it. Some would be rude to me, and others would go as far as to say I'm fired if I don't stop being so quiet, or I NEED to speak up because who knows what I'm saying? Ugh. It really gets to me sometimes. I physically can't "speak up", and find it extremely offensive when people tell me I HAVE to. I'm just a soft spoken person. Who knows, maybe its a medical thing...maybe because I had the cord wrapped around my neck at birth I've got something up with my vocal cords that never was noticed. Who knows what it is? I know for a fact it's not me being "shy". No way in heck could it be that...because I LOVE people and I love talking to tons of people! I will put myself right out there, I will sing in front of huge crowds and speak in front of them...so no, I am not shy. People always tell me they "gotta get me to be loud/speak up/yell/a megaphone/come out of my shell". It's quite annoying when I just can't. They don't understand that it's impossible for me! And I wish they did. I wish everyone who criticized me knew how it felt to be like me. I wish the people who refused to go through my lines regularly when I was a cashier just because I wouldn't yell at them would feel how I feel, just once. This is a quiet cry for an understanding, something I just wish I could get people to do for me. It will never happen but one can hope, right?

Just something in my head

What is it like when you're around? I don't know...I can't hear a sound. You tiptoe near me, you act like you can't see me, how can I live if you're not here with me? I die every day just to be with you, because in the afterlife our love must be true. Then I wake up and see I'm dreaming...and here we go again. Don't pretend I'm not there, as you walk on by going about your business. Don't lie and say you did if you didn't. I may get distracted easily but truth is, I wouldn't if you noticed me.
I gave up a thousand years worth of love just because you thought I was worth a thousand more. Don't try to come back...because I have closed that door.

Older than I seem...

I am 22 going on 30. Some people get to live out their college partying years, and be stupid and do things they might regret. I, however, do not get to do that. But do I care? Not a chance. Yeah, sometimes I want to be normal, with a normal school career and a normal major at a normal college...but that will never happen, nor was it destined to. I was put on this earth for a reason. I didn't realize it until this year though.

I make people smile...it's my thing. I don't like to see displeasure or unhappiness, nor do I care much for sadness. I am very empathetic, so it goes without saying that every time someone feels like that, I feel the same. This is part of why I am here today.

I am a mom. I'm a young mom, too. I think this has made me grow up even more so than I already was. I was married once too. I went through more pain during the hard times of that marriage than I should have had to, ever. But my son brings me so much joy, it's impossible to top it. I love him so much, even if I didn't plan on having him. He wasn't my mistake...he was my pleasant surprise!

I have had to grow up an awful lot these past few years...being out on my own, leaving college and having no home for a few weeks, and having to move all over the country to find where I needed to settle down. I'm still in that process, but like I said...I'm 22 going on 30, and no one ever said I had to finish my life now.