Dear Jayce

Dear Jayce,
Mommy loves you so much. From the day I found out about you, I loved you. You're my most special little man. You know, once upon a time, mommy wasn't this happy. But you helped me become the woman I am. Someday, I'll help you become the man you're going to be. And someday, you're going to have a baby who will teach you what life is all about. I promise you this my dear boy...
I promise to always love you and support you. I have your back even when you will make mistakes. I know you will, everyone does. But I will not love you less...in fact, I'll love you more.
I will protect you from harm. No one will get to you, because they will have to go through me (and daddy) first. We will never let a soul touch you that shouldn't. We will never allow people to bully you more than the first time. And we will both equip you with knowledge on how to deal with bullies, as well as listen if you have to deal with them.
I promise to listen to you if you are in need of my help. I promise that if you want to do things that I may not want you to, that I will still let you as long as they are not illegal or dangerous. I will help you develop safe habits and teach you about safe (consensual) sex. I will show you that forcing someone to have sex is wrong and that rape is extremely serious and should never be joked about or taken lightly.
Each night I promise to cuddle up close to you until you don't want me to anymore, whispering my promises to you and telling you over and over while you sleep the many ways in which I love and adore you.
You are my angel, my world. I promise.

Misunderstanding quiet people

Everyone always complains about that one obnoxiously loud person where they are...how they're so rude to talk so loud and all. But do they know that being the opposite of loud and obnoxious is even worse? This is how I feel being the opposite. I am a soft spoken woman. I always have been, ever since I started talking. I don't really notice it nor do I care, because the people who WANT to hear me and who want to hear me do. But the people who I served as a cashier, a sandwich artist at subway, and people I worked with in all places hated it. Some would be rude to me, and others would go as far as to say I'm fired if I don't stop being so quiet, or I NEED to speak up because who knows what I'm saying? Ugh. It really gets to me sometimes. I physically can't "speak up", and find it extremely offensive when people tell me I HAVE to. I'm just a soft spoken person. Who knows, maybe its a medical thing...maybe because I had the cord wrapped around my neck at birth I've got something up with my vocal cords that never was noticed. Who knows what it is? I know for a fact it's not me being "shy". No way in heck could it be that...because I LOVE people and I love talking to tons of people! I will put myself right out there, I will sing in front of huge crowds and speak in front of them...so no, I am not shy. People always tell me they "gotta get me to be loud/speak up/yell/a megaphone/come out of my shell". It's quite annoying when I just can't. They don't understand that it's impossible for me! And I wish they did. I wish everyone who criticized me knew how it felt to be like me. I wish the people who refused to go through my lines regularly when I was a cashier just because I wouldn't yell at them would feel how I feel, just once. This is a quiet cry for an understanding, something I just wish I could get people to do for me. It will never happen but one can hope, right?

Just something in my head

What is it like when you're around? I don't know...I can't hear a sound. You tiptoe near me, you act like you can't see me, how can I live if you're not here with me? I die every day just to be with you, because in the afterlife our love must be true. Then I wake up and see I'm dreaming...and here we go again. Don't pretend I'm not there, as you walk on by going about your business. Don't lie and say you did if you didn't. I may get distracted easily but truth is, I wouldn't if you noticed me.
I gave up a thousand years worth of love just because you thought I was worth a thousand more. Don't try to come back...because I have closed that door.

Older than I seem...

I am 22 going on 30. Some people get to live out their college partying years, and be stupid and do things they might regret. I, however, do not get to do that. But do I care? Not a chance. Yeah, sometimes I want to be normal, with a normal school career and a normal major at a normal college...but that will never happen, nor was it destined to. I was put on this earth for a reason. I didn't realize it until this year though.

I make people smile...it's my thing. I don't like to see displeasure or unhappiness, nor do I care much for sadness. I am very empathetic, so it goes without saying that every time someone feels like that, I feel the same. This is part of why I am here today.

I am a mom. I'm a young mom, too. I think this has made me grow up even more so than I already was. I was married once too. I went through more pain during the hard times of that marriage than I should have had to, ever. But my son brings me so much joy, it's impossible to top it. I love him so much, even if I didn't plan on having him. He wasn't my mistake...he was my pleasant surprise!

I have had to grow up an awful lot these past few years...being out on my own, leaving college and having no home for a few weeks, and having to move all over the country to find where I needed to settle down. I'm still in that process, but like I said...I'm 22 going on 30, and no one ever said I had to finish my life now.

My favorite places in the past

Ahh one of my favorite places as a teenager...I can feel myself there now. The smell of hot pretzels being baked and American Eagle right down the walkway. The sound of people telling each other what they bought the kids for Christmas or gossiping about the latest school scandal. The dim, natural light that would flow in, even when it snowed. That was the university mall in Burlington, Vermont for you.
Another one of my favorite places was also a mall...it was outside and inside, half and half. I always loved the sounds of the street performers, and smelling Starbucks from a mile away. I loved walking by Yankee candle and smelling the mix of all the candles put together, like the inside of a greenhouse yet more fragrant. There were tobacco shops with the faint, rich smell of cigars, and salons smelling of new hairdo's and hope. Ben and Jerry's had a scoop shop there, and I'm sure you can just smell the combination of all the best ice creams in the world. I know I can. Inside, when you would pass Abercrombie and then Hollister and American Eagle, it smelled of fragrant new clothes and preppy chicks, with their highlighted perfect silky hair and their turned up noses. Then there was Bath and Body Works and Victoria's Secret, smelling of fresh soap and love. The video game stores always smelled like paper and geeks, and when you would walk by the small food court, it would smell like pizza.
My favorite place on earth though as a kid, as a teen, and as an adult now is still the woods in the back of the house I lived in the longest. The trees after rain smelled more enchanting than anything, and running up the hill into the second clearing while the dog chased me was so exhilarating. It didn't matter what season it was, every time I went there it was the quietest place on earth. It was so beautiful, like fairies had put an enchantment on it and you would get sucked in forever if you didn't realize it.
That's my nostalgia of the day...
Hope you all enjoyed it :)

Thank you, captain obvious!

So today I had a thought run through my head that made me giggle. I hate how the only option to click or press most times when there's an error on your iPod or computer is just "OK". Like, ok...I give up. I surrender, oh mighty iPod/computer thingy. You are the god of submission.
I wish they would put up something along the lines of "I don't think so sister" or "hello?? Don't you see I'm doing an essay here? Don't you dare shut off you piece of junk!!" or for the more obvious errors when you either know it's going to happen or it's an error that just looks you in the face and says duh..."THANK YOU, CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!!"
I wish that instead of cancel, it would say "stfu" or "please leave me the hell alone" when you had something come up that was about to destroy or shut down your computer. What did they expect when they put those words there for clicking? Did they expect us to just accept the inevitable? Or are they laughing to themselves thinking how hilarious it would be to watch how loud people yell at their computers when things go wrong, or what colorful words they can come up with?
Sometimes I think Bill Gates must be a boring guy, since the selection of ...well, selections, is very slim error wise.
I would have done a much better job making phrases to choose from. ;)
That is my thought for today...and now its sleepy time!

If I had known...

If I had known that I would trade dress shoes for sneakers, long walks for half hour trip preparations, clean, neat shirts for dirty shirts with spit up on them, I would have still jumped into parenthood with my eyes wide open and my arms ready to hold my son. If I had known that evenings would be replaced with bath time, story time, comfy pjs and nursing him to sleep or giving him his night night bottle, I wouldn't have thought twice. If I had even guessed parenthood would be like this...I would still be here, with him on my lap, wiggling in his sleep like a little worm. I would still look in the mirror every day at my changed body, my messy, long hair, and my tired eyes and think yes, I am beautiful, because I gave birth to a little boy who means the world to me and I am strong for carrying him for almost 10 months.
My (very few) stretch marks are my battle scars, my boobs are my feeding machines instead of something to attract the guys, although I never used them to that advantage anyways. My son's pain is my own...when he is sick, I cry. When he screams out of frustration or pain, I feel his little hands with their titan grip clenching my heart and tearing it to shreds. And when I see his smile, I cry in happiness, because his joy is mine, too. His laugh is what makes me proud I went through all that pain just to have him, it's my reward for a long labor and a long pregnancy, full of ups and downs and puke (eww).
The love a parent feels for their child is indescribable until they get there...until their baby is set upon their chest or into their arms for the very first time.
I would like to believe these moments, when we feel such love in our hearts, are reserved for the days when we just don't know if we will be able to make it through another day.
I thank fate every day for bringing me to my son, my destiny. It is the one reason I know I'm still here...to be his mommy. <3

Florida

I miss it again today...
It's not my original home state, but now I'm starting to realize it's my home. I'm destined to be there. Today here in my state it's 85...makes me miss those days.
I used to go barefoot outside in just a sundress and a bikini. It was one of those places that you can ride with the top down, flip flops on, music up and barefoot on the beach under an umbrella year long. You can go to the ocean every day if you feel like it...it's just so amazing, that freedom.
If I could go there now I would. But I have no way to...nor can I bring Jayce this early. He's too little to go on an airplane for another couple weeks. And even so...it's not like I can even afford it anyways.
I can't wait to bring him to the ocean for the first time. I want him to play in it, to see it's vastness and it's beauty for all it is. I want him to watch when boats go by for the dolphins following after, and to look off the pier at Jetty Park and see the sea turtles swimming by. If he's anything like me, he'll be a water baby. I love the water...I could swim all day every day.
I can't wait to bring him there and show him to all our friends. Everyone was so excited when I got pregnant, and I know there are a few people I wish I could talk to and show pictures to that would love to meet him. :)
We are going out to play in a little while...I can't wait till we open the pool this coming week. Jayce is gonna love it! :)

Just another day

So for the past few days things have been pretty hectic around here. Jayce has a little problem...let's just say I was very weirdly happy to see poop this morning. lol. He's been in a lot of pain from that...and today because we have no car or transportation, we had to walk 7 miles total to wic and back. Poor baby has a sunburn now on his face...we are going to be calling his doctor tomorrow! :(
Jayce has been changing so much lately...it's hard to believe that just a month ago he was a little tiny baby, and now he's almost 10 pounds! He's gained about 3 pounds since he was born. Maybe more.
Anyways...
I've been dealing with a dilemma lately that is very personal, and no, I will not talk about it on here or anywhere else...but I have to say that it is making me sad. Extremely sad. I'm hoping that now that I have someone to talk to about it things will go back to normal.
Florida has been on my mind a lot lately since I found a few people who are friends and ex co-workers. It was and still is a beautiful place...my heart belongs there. I would love to see the beach one more time...or just live there forever. lol.
This is totally not my usual blog...but I can't think of anything else to write. Things have been on my mind lately and I've been tired and sick. :(
I have some amazing friends though...big thanks to my friends C and F for being there. You guys are awesome. I would put your names but there are tons of people who could read this... So I will protect your identities. You guys are great.
I am hoping we can visit Florida soon. I miss it more than anything...especially the amazing weather!
Love to you all,
-Mauii-

When you think of me

When you think of me, think of the good things. I am the sand beneath your feet at the beach, and that warm feeling of sunshine on your face. I am the wind blowing through the trees on a hot day, and the coolness of a nice relaxing swim. I am the sun in the sky, happy to shine on you all day. I am the rain, crying tears of joy because I have you. When you think of me, do not think of the sad or bad times. Do not think of me as the lightning striking down all the trees, or the hurricane destroying lives all around me. Think of me as your best friend, confident, your love till the end. Because that's where I'll be when it starts to count...I will be there to hold your hand in the bitter end. Who am I? Well, I am the one of course. Don't forget me...think of me.

The beginning of a short story I'm working on...

It was a dark time, and I don't know why I felt so alone but I did. It was like I was the only one left on the planet and everyone I loved had been savagely ripped from my hands, leaving me crying and begging for mercy, begging to die so I wouldn't have to live an eternity without them. I had nothing...my place was bare as the land around me, and almost as white too. It had been snowing, and I had no heat. If I died I would be ok with that at this point, I thought. I lived in a small cabin in the woods of northern Vermont, where I would walk the 2 miles down the slope to grab my mail even in the winter to feel like there was someone out there thinking of me. People would wave if they drove by. This is why I chose this place. It was so rural, so small, that everyone was friendly and waved to one another. It made me feel special even though I knew I wasn't. One day, when I was in one of my especially dark moods, I walked to the end of my road and sat in the snowbank, making excuses in my head for my miserable existence. Then, off in the far distance, I saw a truck I did not recognize. It looked newer, four wheel drive and probably ran on diesel...I wondered for a second if it was someone wanting to come ski on my side of the mountain. It was rare, but some of the lower locals did it. But as the truck approached further I could see this was no skiier. This was someone entirely different. Someone I knew from the past. She was a firecracker...five feet even with the longest natural black hair you'd ever see. Her eyes were a strange green that was hauntingly beautiful. She was slight in figure, and every step she took mattered. At least, she had the confidence to make you think so. She was intimidating to the max, say one word around her that you know she doesn't like and she will eat your heart for breakfast. And when she walked by, you could catch a hint of cinnamon and a lovely jasmine like flower. She was my first love...and my last. I could never imagine anyone living up to her, nor could I l e up to her standards. She was all I ever wanted, but I was nothing to her. I was a bug on her windshield, a piece of trash she would so willingly throw away. The only reason I had ever left her was because living up to her expectations was harder than moving mountains. To be continued at a later time.

Insomnia ramble part 2.

Here I am again, up at almost 2. Sigh. This insomnia is really kicking my butt lately. I've been so tired but my mind is always active...probably due to the fact that I'm not controlling my ADHD like I used to. I took medicine for that and depression before I got pregnant. I needed it then...things were really bad. I went through a lot of crap I wish I hadn't. But I learned an important lesson: if a guy proposes within the first 3-4 months...it may not work out. Brano still hasn't formally proposed! And that is perfectly fine with me. We took our time to get to know each other (after getting pregnant of course...) and I'm so glad we took it slow. I love him and we are so much better at communicating than the ex and I were. He and I wouldn't fight at all or argue (until just after the one year mark). And now I know that is not healthy. People argue and fight sometimes...but as long as you argue and fight fair, things are going to be fine. He did not fight fair. When I was younger, I had a fascination with death. I don't know if it was the depression or if I just had a natural curiosity. I used to think about what it would be like if I died, what I would experience if anything. I will say right now I am not religious. I don't believe in "God" per say...I believe there could be something out there...but that story, the one in the big book people always quote when something goes the opposite of what the want to, is very strange and I don't know if I really want to believe it. Plus, who would create people just to mess with them? Who on this cruel earth would make it their job to kill small babies, helpless animals, and hurt the people we love? Who would make an earth ridden with drugs, turmoil, and general unhappiness? They say "God" is a loving, kind being...but if that is so, why aren't we all flower children? Why isn't there sunshine every single day, why do we find comfort in our pain? Why do we get so excited when we see someone else's demise? And why, please enlighten me, is this world not equal for everyone living in it? Are some people better than others? Does this "God" dude love those people more? And how can that be, if we are ALL supposedly created in his image, making us all alike? If we are all alike, why is it that a lot of people (not me thankfully) hate gay people? Why does ANYONE hate anyone else? Speaking of people who are gay, I am a huge supporter of gay rights. I don't give a crap if I'm not myself...I just think its incredibly evil and selfish of people to say who can and can't follow their childhood wedding dreams. And it hurts to know that some of my closest friends have been discriminated against for something they can't help! You don't choose who you fall in love with. It just happens, and it's a beautiful thing! Why hate love when it's all some of us have to give? I counter protested a protest by the Westboro Baptist Church in college when they legalized gay marriage in my home state of Vermont. I heard their views as calmly as I could without punching someone's lights out. It made me physically ill to hear them talk like they were "God's" servants, here on earth to spread the word that being gay (even though we are all equal) is wrong. They disgust me. This act and the funerals they protest are the reason I have lost faith in humanity. lol. Anyways, I thought you all should know about my religious beliefs (or lack of). This is an important thing to me...it is the reason why I do some of the things I do. And guess what? Some people try and use religion as an excuse to be nice to people and to have morals...I have morals. I am nice to people. You know why? Because I know how it feels to be looked down upon and I would never wish that on anyone else. And I have morals because I would like to keep myself in check...who cares if there is a heaven or hell? If I go to either one, if they are real, then I will be happy because I will know I lived my life to the fullest. Also, one more thing before I go...I do not look down on others beliefs. People believe what they believe for a reason. I know this to be true. People find comfort in either the familiar, or the known fact. Either way they are happy with it and who am I to try and change that? Who cares if I have friend's who are catholic, Muslim, Jewish, buddhist? Thy all find comfort in their beliefs and I respect that. I will happily co-exist with them as long as they will not force anything on me. And that is tonight's ramble. Thank you for stopping by, San Diego. ;)

Simple miracles

When I was younger I was told that every new day is like a blank slate...a second chance. Just like this blank page, and the canvas I have painted my life on since three years ago. Sometimes I think I should erase and start anew again, but then I look back on all I've learned in the past few years and I think to myself, "why erase the beautiful life lessons I've been taught?" I have learned that there are second chances in life. A man who thought of leaving his wife and children for the road gets in an accident and gets a second chance at being a husband and dad. A girl who once thought of suicide has a child, and although she is alone she knows that being a mom is what saved her. A woman who almost lost her life to drugs is saved by a kind stranger on the street after becoming homeless and losing everything. There are simple miracles...beautiful miracles, that happen each day to teach us these lessons. We should all listen to the music in the beat of the world around us and see what miracles we find.

Pro-boobs

I am currently feeding Jayce. I say this because I want to tell you how...I am feeding him his supplemental formula that goes along with my milk. I am extremely pro-breastfeeding...I would never push it on a person, but it is so extremely perfect for your baby that to me anyways, it's the best way to go. There are moms out there with real issues breastfeeding...their supply is low, they had mastitis, they have a life threatening illness or an illness they dont want to pass onto their baby, etc. but some people just choose formula as an easy way out. I didn't choose this for my son...I was not asked before he got it at the hospital and he became nipple confused for awhile, until I took the bottle and gave him the boob right after. He eventually got his latch perfected and I am so proud. I didn't want to formula feed if I could help it, mostly because I want the absolute best there is for my boy, not a remake. I won't say formula is bad, because I was a formula baby and so was Brano. But I will say that I, knowing all the amazing benefits and having some support up north, wanted to give my boy the best there is. Anyways...I shall write more later when I'm not dead tired.

Insomnia

Have I mentioned today how much I hate this iPod sometimes? I just wrote in here for 20 minutes straight and safari cut out on me. Greeaatt. Anyways, so here I am again, awake at 2 am. The insomnia hits harder these days because I'm still a new mom. I get so tired...it's a kind of tired you feel straight down to the bone. It's so incredibly enveloping and complete that I just want to curl up in it and die. Being a mom is rewarding, although it has it's slight downfalls. I do love him more than anything though! I would give anything for my baby boy. I have insomnia thanks to a long battle I've had with depression for years. Not many people know because I often seem very cheerful and helpful towards them...trust me people that isn't fake, I really am trying to help you and be cheerful. Part of the cheerfulness is my ADHD...it's pretty bad (at least the inattentiveness) and the hyperactivity part can mimic me being happy sometimes. And there are times when I really AM happy! Mostly though, my depression isn't a deep profound one...it's one where I just don't feel better than a flat line of emotion. I can fluctuate throughout the day, but it's normally pretty even for me. My moods are normally a flat line...dipping and peaking here and there. I wish I could go in depth with a long and detailed explanation of why I am the way I am, but it will take forever and it's super long. Ahhh...gotta go. Jayce decided to wake up AGAIN for the billionth time tonight. O.M.G.

The past 3 years...

Lately, on my Facebook, I've been posting a lot about missing things. I've been through a lot in the past 3 1/2 years, and anyone who knows me will tell you I'm a lot different than I used to be, too. In those last few years, I've moved 11 times, gotten engaged, married, and separated (we are working on the divorce), found someone new who I am planning on marrying as soon as this divorce business is over, had a baby with him, moved in with his parents until we find out own place...and lots of other things. Sometimes I miss those times, and I like to write about them. Let me start off with a basic about me. I'm 22, as I said I've already been married and it didn't work out, I have a one month old (today!!), an amazing boyfriend who has stuck with me through some amazingly difficult times, and a cute cat who has been with me since I moved away from my home state...he was my Christmas present in 2009. His name is Ninja, my son's name is Jayce Maddox, and my boyfriend's name is Brannon. I call him Brano because that was always his nickname. I'm sure I'll be talking about all three of them a lot...they're my world! I am an artist at heart, and one of my ultimate desires is to learn as much as I can about why people act the way they do. I'm a natural psychologist and sociologist...and anthropologist. I love everything about people, and at the same time I despise a lot of things about them too. People can be selfish and deceitful...or sweet and thoughtful. That's why I love knowing why they do what they do. I can read someone extremely easily no matter the circumstances. I'm an artist. I find a way to make art with whatever I do...whether it be writing, actual art, speaking, putting together and taking apart objects...you name it, I find a way to make it artistic. Art is what defines me and I know people can see it when they look at me (or so I think. lol). Part of my nostalgic moments lately has been thinking of Florida. I lived there for a little over a year this past year. It was where a lot of things took place, such as getting my first real apartment (with Jim, the ex, and Brano eventually), him leaving the apartment and stealing all my stuff (did I mention he's SUCH an awesome guy? -.-), meeting a lot of my good friends, finding out what it's like to be on my own...finding out I was pregnant...lol. That came as a huge surprise to us. Brano and I had t been together for more than a month when we found out. I felt kind of bad at first because he, at that point, wasn't quite ready to be a dad. But now of course he is and he does amazing with Jayce. He has only the MOST love and compassion for him. :) I will post later when I get on my piece of crap computer (which at the moment is blue screening so I have to fix that...) what I have been writing about the past...and I will add a post too.