Insomnia ramble part 2.

Here I am again, up at almost 2. Sigh. This insomnia is really kicking my butt lately. I've been so tired but my mind is always active...probably due to the fact that I'm not controlling my ADHD like I used to. I took medicine for that and depression before I got pregnant. I needed it then...things were really bad. I went through a lot of crap I wish I hadn't. But I learned an important lesson: if a guy proposes within the first 3-4 months...it may not work out. Brano still hasn't formally proposed! And that is perfectly fine with me. We took our time to get to know each other (after getting pregnant of course...) and I'm so glad we took it slow. I love him and we are so much better at communicating than the ex and I were. He and I wouldn't fight at all or argue (until just after the one year mark). And now I know that is not healthy. People argue and fight sometimes...but as long as you argue and fight fair, things are going to be fine. He did not fight fair. When I was younger, I had a fascination with death. I don't know if it was the depression or if I just had a natural curiosity. I used to think about what it would be like if I died, what I would experience if anything. I will say right now I am not religious. I don't believe in "God" per say...I believe there could be something out there...but that story, the one in the big book people always quote when something goes the opposite of what the want to, is very strange and I don't know if I really want to believe it. Plus, who would create people just to mess with them? Who on this cruel earth would make it their job to kill small babies, helpless animals, and hurt the people we love? Who would make an earth ridden with drugs, turmoil, and general unhappiness? They say "God" is a loving, kind being...but if that is so, why aren't we all flower children? Why isn't there sunshine every single day, why do we find comfort in our pain? Why do we get so excited when we see someone else's demise? And why, please enlighten me, is this world not equal for everyone living in it? Are some people better than others? Does this "God" dude love those people more? And how can that be, if we are ALL supposedly created in his image, making us all alike? If we are all alike, why is it that a lot of people (not me thankfully) hate gay people? Why does ANYONE hate anyone else? Speaking of people who are gay, I am a huge supporter of gay rights. I don't give a crap if I'm not myself...I just think its incredibly evil and selfish of people to say who can and can't follow their childhood wedding dreams. And it hurts to know that some of my closest friends have been discriminated against for something they can't help! You don't choose who you fall in love with. It just happens, and it's a beautiful thing! Why hate love when it's all some of us have to give? I counter protested a protest by the Westboro Baptist Church in college when they legalized gay marriage in my home state of Vermont. I heard their views as calmly as I could without punching someone's lights out. It made me physically ill to hear them talk like they were "God's" servants, here on earth to spread the word that being gay (even though we are all equal) is wrong. They disgust me. This act and the funerals they protest are the reason I have lost faith in humanity. lol. Anyways, I thought you all should know about my religious beliefs (or lack of). This is an important thing to me...it is the reason why I do some of the things I do. And guess what? Some people try and use religion as an excuse to be nice to people and to have morals...I have morals. I am nice to people. You know why? Because I know how it feels to be looked down upon and I would never wish that on anyone else. And I have morals because I would like to keep myself in check...who cares if there is a heaven or hell? If I go to either one, if they are real, then I will be happy because I will know I lived my life to the fullest. Also, one more thing before I go...I do not look down on others beliefs. People believe what they believe for a reason. I know this to be true. People find comfort in either the familiar, or the known fact. Either way they are happy with it and who am I to try and change that? Who cares if I have friend's who are catholic, Muslim, Jewish, buddhist? Thy all find comfort in their beliefs and I respect that. I will happily co-exist with them as long as they will not force anything on me. And that is tonight's ramble. Thank you for stopping by, San Diego. ;)